How to Compromise With Your Partner BEFORE Moving In Together
In 2018, Ari and I decided that we wanted to move in together after three years of dating. We finally found our dream apartment in April 2019, if you want to see the breakdown of our moving expenses, read here.
It’s never easy to compromise with another person, because we all have different interests, desires, fears, etc. Deciding on what to do in our second year was just as challenging, if not, more than year one. There are many conversations to be hand before taking the step to move in together, these are the ones that worked for us.
Establish Must Haves - Thing are the things that you will not settle on. In our life, this looked like Ari having a washer/dryer in the building or better yet, unit. For me, it was a larger living room for hosting. Coming up with the must-have before you start looking at apartments will save you headaches and time in the long run. And it also stop any resentment from building when you feel like your partner isn’t considering any of your options. Trust me, that becomes exhausting.
Understand Goals - Do you know what are your or your partner’s short and long-term goals are? If the answer is no, stop this, and go have the conversation. Regardless of whether you’re moving in together or not, you need to know that your partner supports your life goals. If they don’t then… what are you doing? Move on. Anyway, back to why this matters when moving in together - when you this conversation, you will see why the price/space/must-have matter. Without the goals there’s no context. It's okay if your goals don't align - they might not want to buy a house. You need make sure that your living situation does not jeopardize your ability to work towards that goal.
Emotional Triggers - Ah. Moving in with someone, especially into a new environment will bring up a lot of feelings. It could be anything from fear that this would ruin the relationship because you've never lived with a partner before, anxiety around money because you aren't used to sending big payments for rent. Sadness because you’re moving away from your support system is or excitement because you’re following your professional aspirations. These emotions come up in the process and you need to be ready to talk about then, so do yourself a favor and give your partner a heads up.
Money Talk - MY FAVORITE. The FIRST thing you will need to do before even consider moving in together is talk about how this is going to work financially. At this point, I’m assuming you already talk about other money stuff and know what their salary is, so I’ll skip that. The move-in money talk is about your maximum rent contribution and apartment price. You can do it two way - split it 50/50 or do an income-based split. So if you both chose to split 50/50, does that mean that our higher earning partner will compromise on certain living standards? Will our lower income partner be spending more than they can afford? It possible that it’s neither. Personally, I am strong proponent of a splitting the rent based on the income you're bringing into the household. For example, if your partner makes $40,000/year and you make $60,000, the total household income is $100,000. To find the percentage you will contributing you divide your income, $60,000, by the total household income, $100,000, leaving you at 60%. That means that if your apartment is $2,000, you’ll pay $1,200 and your partner will pay the remaining $800.
Finally coming to the decision to renew our lease was hard work! We shared our goals, mine being to save enough in 2020 for a house downpayment or to travel for three months straight. I was willing to leave Brooklyn for something cheaper in New Jersey, but he was really happy here and everything we saw brought up emotions about growing up and settling down. LOL we are not ready for that, so of course, I was willing to compromise my desired location, but not my pricing. This meant we needed to find something way cheaper in Brooklyn, when that wasn’t successful, Ari agreed to pay more of the rent, decreasing mine by $200, which will give me the chance to continue my savings goal while not impacting his. These conversations are ongoing too, they’ll continue happening as you live together, but the initial ones are crucial and the foundation.
If you’re moving in with your partner, let me know how it goes! Best of luck!